Chalmers Selection Event Wine, For all your PLCB events!

HARRISBURG, Pa., April 14, 2019 /PRNewswireless/  

The Pennsylvania Liquor Control Board Fine Wine and Good Spirits State-Owned Monopoly Retail Stores Of Distinction is proud to announce exclusive Pennsylvania rights to the new Chalmers Reserve Event Wine. Presenting a bottle of Chalmers Reserve Event Wine to Chairman Tim Holden (represented for the event by a cardboard cut-out figure), Director of Wines (Other) Sue Broomhall stated, "Everybody at the PLCB knows that the better the commercial, the better the wine. One bottle of Chalmers and your party will certainly get started."

"So true!" shouted a group of non-certified wine specialists from the PLCB's luxurious tasting room. 

"And Pennsylvania consumers won't even have to pay the $1 a bottle cost mentioned in the commercial" Ms. Broomhall continued. "With the flexible pricing authorization of Act 39 allowing us to negotiate prices and markup, we are proud to bring this to Pennsylvania for only $14.99 a bottle!"

For further information on this and other exciting items soon to be seen at the State Store System of Stores, or maybe at the return of the Wine Kiosks®, please contact your local store. They'll be glad to provide whatever they decide you need. 

PLCB to change name

It could happen this way. Maybe. 

In an unexpected move to comply with Pennsylvania "sunshine" laws and federal Truth In Advertising regulations, the PLCB (Pennsylvania Liquor Control Board) has voted to change its name. The two names considered will be left up to the public to choose (see below).

The two names under consideration underwent millions of dollars of testing (paid to a New York consulting group, the same people who came up with the hugely...unnoticed TableLeaf and FWAGS). They anticipate the changeover should only take about 50 years, to allow the use of all the old PLCB letterhead and a website update.

Board member "Skip" Byron explained that the change would take even longer if the stores were privatized. "Probably close to two hundred years. Another reason we shouldn't even think of privatizing - wasting all that paper."

He then laid out the main reason for the name change: misdirection. "The PLCB has gotten a well-deserved bad reputation," he said, "so the further we distance ourselves from that name, the better off we think we'll be. If we choose the right name, people will probably forget all about us being a monopoly. Does anybody still remember that "Fine Wine and Good Spirits Stores" are really State Stores?"

At this point, the PLCB's Minister of Propaganda (Stacey "Why'd I Take This Impossible Job" Kriedeman) pulled him away from the mike, and was overheard asking Byron if he were trying to ruin the whole $3 million rebranding program, requiring even more new signs.

Board chairman Tim Holden had this to say. "For many years the citizens have been asking the PLCB to change. We have heard your voices and have made the biggest change in PLCB history! This is bigger than wine kiosks or TableLeaf or special sections in the back of the store for PA products or anything we have ever done!" He disappeared behind the podium when Kriedeman tackled him, a large Hannibal Lector-type muzzle in her hands.

We have learned that customer voting on the name choice will commence on Veteran's Day, according to a confidential source (board member Michael Negra, but he asked us not to tell). "We won't be here to count them up -- it's another holiday -- but it doesn't matter, since you can vote as often as you want. Our IT department couldn't figure out how to limit the chronic alcohol users to one vote each." We had more questions, but Mr. Negra sprinted off when he saw Kriedeman running toward him.

She paused a moment to catch her breath, and we asked her if this was one of the more difficult assignments she has had with the PLCB. "You better believe it," she said. "It is near impossible to keep track of these three, and then having to say all those inane things trying to put some spin on what they blurt out...Stop taking notes. You can't print that."

Print what?

"You can't print what I just said"

Why not?

"Because if you do, you'll never buy a bottle in this state again!  I'll see to that!"

I don't buy anything in PA now.

"Then nobody you know, your friends, family, anybody with your last name will never get anything if you print that!"

Not a problem. I'll do a podcast instead; I have it all on tape.

She walked off, muttering.

The two proposed names?

Pennsylvania We'll Do And Say Anything To Keep Our Jobs Board
(PWDASATKOJB - kinda rolls off the tongue, doesn't it?)

Pennsylvania Let's Only Do A Little Or Nothing Group
(PLOD ALONG - now that has a nice Pennsylvania Dutch ring to it.)

I think I'll vote a few dozen times for PLOD ALONG, it has that nice tie to history and yet is moving slowly forward. You to can vote for PLOD ALONG...or you can contact your legislators and tell them it is past time to get the state out of the liquor business.

Only 10% of a PLCB managers score is product knowledge. That explains a lot.

Consider this: only 10% (approximately) of the score on the civil service test required to be promoted to management in the PLCB has to do with product knowledge. Hard to believe, but it's fact. [see below for the reference] Since the majority of folks who work in Harrisburg for the PLCB come from the ranks, that means that most have never been responsible to know what they sell.

Imagine if that was the case for your shoe salesman. “Well, it is the color you asked for, and it looks like it will fit, but since you can’t try it here at the Pennsylvania Shoe Control Office (PASCO, "Monopolizing Your Shoe Choices since 1934!"), you’ll just have to believe me. You can return it if there is something wrong, but not just because you don’t like it or if you think it doesn’t match the requirements you gave me. The state absolves us of any responsibility for that."

In that light, I figured that since the people in charge never had to know much about the product the tests they come up with would reflect that fact. To that end I made up what I think is the level of complexity shown on the PLCB Managers test. See how well you can do.

1. Rye whiskey is made from

A. Corn
B. Malted Barley
C. Rye
D. Bourbon
E. None of the above

2. Red wine comes from:

A. Republican states
B. France
C. California
D. Red grapes

3.  Bourbon can only be made

A. In Kentucky
B. In Tennessee
C. In the U.S.
D. In a distillery

4. If you bought a bottle that has 10 year old whiskey in it and kept it for 20 years how old would the whiskey be?
A. 10 yrs old
B. 20 yrs old
C. 30 yrs old
D. None of the Above
E. 2 weeks on Close-out at 55% discount

5. What temperature should the metal trailer be in order to store wine the PLCB way?

A. 80 degrees
B. 90 degrees
C. 100 degrees
D. Unknown, these temperatures are not recorded

6.  Wine should be served at:

A. Room temperature
B. Slightly chilled
C. Whatever temperature the cooler is in the store.

7. How much wine and liquor should be stacked along the front windows in the sun?
A. As much as will fit.
B. Whatever I feel like
C. Only brands that pay for it
D. None of the above

8. Liquor of a given type should be placed on the shelf and grouped by producer/manufacturer/distillery and not by price because:
A. That is how Harrisburg wants it.
B. People only buy their favorite brand.
C. It's not important.
D. Both A and C.

9. Why is Wild Turkey American Honey in the Liqueur section and Jack Daniel’s Tennessee Honey in the bourbon section? They both say liqueur on the label.
A. That is how Harrisburg wants it.
B. People only buy their favorite brand
C. It's not important.
D. Both A and C.

10. Are 11 orange flavored vodkas enough?
A. That is how Harrisburg wants it.
B. People only buy their favorite brand
C. It's not important.
D. Both A and C.


So if product knowledge is such a small part of the job...just what do the store managers do?
They don't order product: Harrisburg does.
They don't hire and fire: Harrisburg does.
They don't lay out the store: Harrisburg does.
They don't control when they are open: Harrisburg does.
They don't control product placement: Harrisburg does.
They don't control pricing: Harrisburg does.
They don't have to pay attention to industry trends - but then Harrisburg doesn't either.
They don't have to keep abreast of the competition - but then Harrisburg doesn't either.
And they don't schedule or make deliveries.

You would think not doing so much of what private store managers do would give them lots of time to be on top of product knowledge. I'm just sayin'...



* Here's the information on management testing. Oddly, the link is no longer working because the page is gone. However, I saved a copy and below is the relevant part.

TESTING

This test will be administered on a computer.  Information about computerized testing is available online at www.scsc.state.pa.us OR in paper form at any State Civil Service Commission office. 

You will have a maximum of 2 1/2 hours to complete the test which will cover the following subject areas:

	Number of Questions by Job Title
Subject Areas	Liquor Store Clerk 2, Liquor Store Manager 1	Liquor Store Manager 2 and 3, Liquor Store General Managers
Customer Service	15	15
Product Knowledge	10	10
Policy and Procedure	25	25
Recordkeeping	15	15
Basic Supervision/Management	25	25
Advanced Supervision/Management	0	15
	___	___
Total	90	105

The PennDot Plan

The latest Wendell Young IV press release.*

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you all for coming.  Today I would like to propose a new plan and direction for the state stores.  I call this plan the PennDot plan in honor of our union brothers who originated it.

For too long we have been trying to act like a business, be as efficient as a business and react like a business.  While we haven't failed at this it has not been as successful as we would have liked.  Today I propose we go back to doing what we do best - act like a union and not a business. Starting this week I will be working with the Board and legislature to triple the amount of  employees in each store. Where ever a customer goes they will now find at least one employee standing around waiting for them. There will now be employees guiding customers around the dangerous areas for the 6-10 months it will take to redo the floors between each of the shelving units.  Every customer will get a handout when they come in the door so they will know exactly who can help them based on one of the 50 color coded aprons.  The customers will soon learn that a blue with green stripe apron is an expert in TableLeaf Chardonnay while one in green with blue stripes is a Franzia red specialist. This will make their shopping experience that much greater by knowing exactly who they can talk to.World class aprons make for world class stores and world class shopping and we are proud to expand this fine initiative!

Stores will be cleaner and brighter than ever with a Board authorized person for each assignment to get the bucket, fill the bucket, move the bucket and finally mop the floor. This kind of specialization will make each member of the mopping team an expert in the task ready to take on the duties of the next in line provided there is a written request from the district manager at least 2 weeks in advance and that the shop steward approves. With over 9,000 PLCB paid employees the PA economy will flourish and it will be impossible to consider privatization again. These new employees will increase the total contribution into retirement and medical to make them solvent again for the current generation of PLCB employees and will give us time to figure out how to fix the PLCB pension system before they start retiring in 25 years.

All those new employees will have the time to read the labels of everything in stock and pass that expert knowledge onto the customer as long as the customer doesn't want to know how it tastes. Can't have clerks tasting the products, that would be promoting alcoholism and the PLCB won't allow that. New spirits specialists with intricate knowledge of all 14 different orange flavored vodkas will be placed at every store as soon as we can get them to buy all 14 different orange flavored vodkas and try them. Local economies will benefit as Courtesy Training centers are expanded to all counties with more friends and relatives employed truly making the PLCB one big happy family. 

I am also proposing a Wine Kiosk Museum to showcase the technological innovations the PLCB has done over the years. This will have a staff of at least a dozen and be headed by Joe Conti the foremost expert in Wine Kiosks in the state. All profits from the $20 admission fee will go to the state general fund further improving the lives of all Pennsylvanians.

These 6,000 new members will see the need for a strong union, a union they can be proud of and a union that will do everything it it's power to keep things exactly how your parents remembered because a link to the past is part of the chain that holds the FUTURE!


*(Taken from notes found in the parking lot of  the PLCB and inspired by an actual union representative so who knows....it may be coming soon)