Carlisle AlcoAutoFest! Drive Yourself To Drink!

The Pennsylvania Department of Transportation (PENNDOT) in conjunction with the Pennsylvania Liquor Control Board (PLCB) are proud to bring you the first Carlisle AlcoAutofest! Due to the special relationship the PLCB has with PENNDOT, you will be able to drive to the Festival even in cars not sold or ever sold in Pennsylvania!(*1) Cars made before 1933 get in free!

Numerous vendors will be providing samples of drinks you can only "win" (the chance to purchase at variable pricing) by lottery in Pennsylvania. The PLCB will have two on-site stores selling the same things you can buy in every state store at prices only slightly to obscenely above list price. Taste the latest bottlings of Jim Beam White, Jack Daniel's Black, Smirnoff, Captain Morgan, and many other standard brands (that all cost less in Maryland, only 42 miles away) straight from the well-known PLCB overstock trailers sitting in the sun behind the fenced-in area near the porta-potties! It will be an experience you won't find anywhere else in the country!

It's only 5 days. How hot can it get?

PENNDOT will have convenient mandatory breathalyzer stops all along the main drag and at all exit points. They'll be using the same technology as the Wine Kiosks - Amazing, and fun! Safety is  always the PLCB's number one concern (the safety of PLCB jobs, that is). The PLCB's number two concern is money, "profits" (hoho, what a funny joke), so for the first time, the BLCE will be working with the Department of Revenue to collect taxes on bottles "won" by happy participants.(*2)

At checkpoint, show ID, face camera and blow

See your government in action and your tax dollars at work! Take a virtual tour of the PLCB luxury tasting room. Learn how people with minimal qualifications decide what the entire state will be allowed to buy. See how knowing about Livestock, Dairy, and Poultry can get you an executive position with the PLCB! Visit the Career Desk and find out how a career with the PLCB is right for you. None of that product knowledge or RAMP training required, like in the private sector.

If you're in a grumpy mood, the PLCB has just the thing. Take a seat in the Courtesy Training tent (supplied by a real company owned by the real husband of a real PLCB regional manager...which really was nepotism!), and see how PLCB clerks deal with stress like JFK did during the Cuban Missile Crisis (*3)! Ask the PLCB staff why bottles favored by alcoholics are cheaper in Pennsylvania. You'll be amazed at the answer they give.

Souvenirs will be available in the PENNDOT tent. Just take a number and have a seat while you decide what commemorative item your Aunt Martha really wants. Maybe she'd like the "You've got a friend at AlcoAutoFest" plate (shown above in classic Pennsylvania license plate blue and gold), or the "10 Bootleggers per Year" BLCE flag. (I like the "After 85 years only $1,000,000,000 in Debt" picture frame myself.)

See you there!

(*1) You just have to prove that all PA taxes were paid the year of importation into the state.
(*2) Taxes based on what the PLCB would have charged if they had any product, not on list price.
(*3) That was a real lesson in the original Courtesy Training contract.
The Carlisle AlcoAutoFest is not a real event. But it's about dumb enough for the PLCB to try it. 

Chalmers Selection Event Wine, For all your PLCB events!

HARRISBURG, Pa., April 14, 2019 /PRNewswireless/  

The Pennsylvania Liquor Control Board Fine Wine and Good Spirits State-Owned Monopoly Retail Stores Of Distinction is proud to announce exclusive Pennsylvania rights to the new Chalmers Reserve Event Wine. Presenting a bottle of Chalmers Reserve Event Wine to Chairman Tim Holden (represented for the event by a cardboard cut-out figure), Director of Wines (Other) Sue Broomhall stated, "Everybody at the PLCB knows that the better the commercial, the better the wine. One bottle of Chalmers and your party will certainly get started."

"So true!" shouted a group of non-certified wine specialists from the PLCB's luxurious tasting room. 

"And Pennsylvania consumers won't even have to pay the $1 a bottle cost mentioned in the commercial" Ms. Broomhall continued. "With the flexible pricing authorization of Act 39 allowing us to negotiate prices and markup, we are proud to bring this to Pennsylvania for only $14.99 a bottle!"

For further information on this and other exciting items soon to be seen at the State Store System of Stores, or maybe at the return of the Wine Kiosks®, please contact your local store. They'll be glad to provide whatever they decide you need. 

Questions that should be asked

Since the PLCB never faces any real questions, or a press corps with the tough ones, we thought we'd provide a look at how that might go. It's all fictional, but hey, the PLCB says they're a "business," so we're on solid ground.

Chairman Holden, board member Negra, and board member Newsome: welcome to Face the Citizens.

   (Holden) Glad to be here Al.

Glad to have you here, gentlemen. As you know, this program is dedicated to helping the Citizens of Pennsylvania understand exactly what the Board does, and the why and wherefore behind some of your decisions. We'll start with your experience for the job. Have any of you been a director-level executive — or higher — in a $2 billion revenue company? Anyone? A $1 Billion company? A $200 Million company? No? Well, do any of you have any experience in the liquor industry? Ahh, yes Member Negra!

Chairman Holden did not actually say these things.

   (Negra) I have a bottle of wine with dinner sometimes.
   (Holden) We used to get pretty hammered after some of the caucus meetings, so I have tried a lot of different spirits.
   (Newsome) No.

Okay, do you know anything about the three tier system? I see a few heads nodding. Could you explain it for the readers?

   (Negra) Well Al, it would take far too much time to properly get across the complexities of the three tier system. We'd need a whole program just for that.

Fine with me, when can you do it?

   (Negra) I'd have to check my schedule and get back to you about that. You know the PLCB keeps us pretty busy; it's at least two or three days a month. It barely leaves time for our other work.

Board member Negra did not actually say these things.

Do any of you have experience with such common business tools as sales price variance analysis, proximity analysis or inter-type agglomeration analysis?

   (Holden) Wait a minute,  there is math involved?  Nobody told me there would be math.

Surely Member Newsome, you used these tools at Wolf Cabinets?

   (Newsome) Not to any great extent. You see, the market for cabinets isn't at all like the market for wine and spirits. The wine and spirits market is a police-enforced monopoly, as God intended. People can buy cabinets anywhere, based on price and quality and outlet convenience. It's quite different.

Board member Newsome did not actually say these things.

Of course. Let's move on to beer regulation. Chairman Holden, you had been voting for giving gas stations licenses that met the café space and register separation requirements up until Member Skip Brion left, then you suddenly started voting against those licenses, saying that your reason was that you wanted to see what the State Supreme Court was going to do. However, they didn't even agree to take the case until three months AFTER you started voting no. Then when Governor Wolf asked the Board to "Free The Sixpack," you just as suddenly started voting for them again. Care to explain?

   (Holden) That's in the past Al, nobody wants to hear that ancient history. What's done is done is what I always say. Especially at legislative hearings.

I see.  How about your new Executive Director? You went from somebody that had a firm grasp of how real retail works — John Metzger — to Charlie Mooney, who has no real world experience. This, at a time when some of the ways the PLCB does things are actually shifting toward how a real business would run. Any comments?

   (Holden) Charlie is a great guy, he's been here forever and knows how we do things.

But isn't how you do things the reason that things are changing? If you were better at how you did things, like say New Hampshire, there wouldn't be all these pushes for change.

   (Negra) Oh, we're not changing, we're modernizing. Think of it like new math. The numbers didn't change, just how you used them. That's the PLCB!

I guess that's another whole program. Moving on again... Last year you had record sales for the umpteenth year in a row. You also claimed record "profits." Let's talk about costs, specifically, why did the pension debt the PLCB owes only decrease by $550,000 in a year when you had all these record sales?

   (Newsome)  That is easy, Al. We spent the money on other things!

What other things? 

   (Newsome)  Other other things. Look, we don't have to pay any interest on the pension debt, so there is no hurry to pay it off. As a state agency, we can't go bankrupt, so it just isn't that important. With all the consultants and relatives we'll have to hire because nobody in house can deal with Act 39, I doubt it will go down much next year either.

But doesn't the state have to pay interest on the money they borrow to cover that shortage?

   (Newsome) Of course the state does, but WE, the PLCB, don't. So...not on our balance sheet!

Thanks for being so upfront about that. It looks like we are just about out of time. Thank you for being on Face The Citizens. I look forward to you coming back again.

(Hot mic catches...)
   (Newsome) Nope,
   (Holden) Not gonna happen.
   (Negra) Don't bet on it.


Do I need to say it? PRIVATIZE. 

The Night Before Budget

'Twas the night before Christmas when all through the House,
Not a creature was stirring, not even an LCB mouse.
[They are closed, you know]

The bills were all stacked on the desks with great care,
In hopes that a budget soon would be there.

The Governor was snuggled all warm in his bed,
With spending and taxes happy dreams in his head.

With Dems in his pocket and no stop gap,
He'd just settled his brain for a short winter’s nap.

Just a friendly sheep here, yup. 

When out in the state arose such a clatter,
He jumped from his bed to see what was the matter.

Away to the window he flew in a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.

The moon on the breast of the new fallen snow,
Gave a luster of spotlights on The Framework below.

When what to his wondering eyes should appear:
The Republican Caucus, all filled with cheer.

Their majority strong, "No new taxes!" their cry,
More rapid than eagles their proposals did fly.

They whistled and shouted and called out their names:
"Now Liquor, Now Smoking, Now New Instant Games!

On Driller, On Business, On Fracking and more!
On Pensions, On Teachers, School Spending galore!

To the top of the Capitol, the top of the wall,
Now vote on them! vote on them! vote on them all!"

And up to the housetop the Caucus they flew,
With a balanced budget and some new spending too.

But then in a twinkling we all heard on the air,
The whining and threats of The Wolf from his lair.

"My budget's holistic, you must understand,
Includes taxes and spending there for everyman.

It’s a bundle of taxes I’ll fling on your back,
(With a promise that later you might get some slack)."

His eyes how they twinkled, his dimples so merry
(His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry),

When he spoke of the taxes all lined in a row,
The beard on his chin just quivered, just so.

But he held his spending plan tight to his breast —
Special interests to pay back; ignore all the rest.

A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave us to know we had all to dread;

He turned off the mic and went straight to his work;
Headed down to the halls where the lobbyists lurk.

First on his list was the State Liquor Store,
He must keep it open, privatization no more!

He tells us the free market would surely raise prices,
And monopoly's best for this most tasty of vices.

"I won’t give the people what they've wanted for years;
It’s much more important to keep state store cashiers!"

It was a long night, as The Wolf clawed and fought,
And schemed to keep progress remaining at naught.

But I heard him exclaim as he went back to bed,
“Happy Christmas to all. My budget's not dead!”

Famous PLCB sayings in History

While the Legislature is taking their vacation, just walking away and leaving the most important business they have undone, we thought we'd have a little fun too. We took a few famous quotes from history, and adjusted them to suit the PLCB situation. After all, the Governor spent 35 minutes on the last meeting I thought I could spend 35 minutes working on this too.  Just having some fun...mostly.

Give me the PLCB or give me death. It doesn't matter that they are both the same. - Anonymous UFCW state store clerk

I cannot tell a lie, I really hate the PLCB. - George Washington Smith (the first customer from Pennsylvania at Total Wine in Delaware)

Ask not what the PLCB can do for you, Ask what you can do for the PLCB. Chairman's statement at first Board Meeting. 4/1/33

Let every citizen know, whether they wish us well or ill, that we shall pay any price, bear any burden, meet any hardship, support any friend, oppose any foe to assure the survival and the success -- okay, just the survival -- of  the PLCB - Governor Wolf on the current budget talks 

Real patriotism is a willingness to challenge the PLCB when it's wrong. - Ron Paul when looking for a good bottle of Scotch in Philadelphia 2015 

Never in the field of human conflict were so many held hostage by so few. - Winston "Churchill" Rabinowitz when asked about state stores in 1946 

You can always count on the PLCB to do the right thing - after they've tried everything else.-

Testimony of Auditor General about Wine Kiosks  3/14/11 

Nobody will ever deprive the Pennsylvania citizens of the right to price, selection and service except the Pennsylvania citizens themselves, and the only way they could do this is by continuing to vote for those who support the PLCB. - "Franky D" Roosevelt 1968 

Since when have we Pennsylvanians been expected to bow submissively to the PLCB and speak with awe and reverence to those who serve us? - William "Judge" Douglas buying drinks for a family reunion 8/9/54 

So, first of all, let me assert my firm belief that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself -- nameless, unreasoning, unjustified PLCB interpretations which paralyze needed efforts to convert retreat into advance.  "Franky D" Roosevelt  forty years later in 2008 

The PLCB way of "control"

The objection to Puritans, like the PLCB, is not that they try to make us think as they do, but that they try to make us do as they think. - H.L. Mencken,  The Bard of Baltimore


I have sworn upon the altar of God eternal hostility against the PLCB and every form of tyranny over the mind of man. - Thomas "TJ" Jefferson after waiting 4 weeks for his SLO order only to find out it still isn't in. 2009 

The Constitution only guarantees the American people the right to pursue happiness. If you are from Pennsylvania, you have to go out of state and catch it yourself -.Benny Franklin, buying liquor for his daughter's wedding at Moore Brothers in NJ, 1982. 

The cost of liquor is always high, but Pennsylvanians have always paid it. But one path we shall never choose, and that is the path of surrender, or PLCB modernization. - John F. Kennedy, Centre county resident speaking to his Democrat Representative Scott Conklin about privatization 2013

What do you need to run a business? Three simple things: know your product better than anyone; know your customer, and have a burning desire to succeed. The PLCB fails all three. David "Burger" Thomas owner of Dave's Liquors Pennsauken, NJ. 1983

No booze is good booze - Governor Pinchot speaking at the founding of the PLCB 1933

I'll leave you with this unadulterated quote:

Time is the friend of the wonderful business, the enemy of the mediocre. Warren Buffett

And the PLCB's time is DONE!

Breaking The Law: the tale of the tape

Yesterday I went Out Of Control. I broke the law by driving to New Jersey and — deliberately and with intent — bought twelve bottles of table wine, mostly Italian and California reds, with a few whites, at Joe Canal's in Lawrenceville. They were not mass market wines; nor were they “fine wines.” I picked the bottles out on my own, based on price, reviews, and “shelf talkers” written by individual clerks whose tastes I’ve learned to trust. The bottles were also mostly offered on special through Canal's Bottle Club: a free membership, like a shopper's card. I had no shopping list going in, just looking for wine for dinners over the next month or so.

In all honesty, I was just buying wine; I had no ulterior motive, no agenda. We were out of table wine, and I was close to Jersey, so I went. But last night, after everyone else went to bed, I got curious about just what the price differences were. So I scanned the bottles with the PLCB's -- admittedly -- fairly nifty Android barcode app, and here’s what I got. The Canal’s price is first…followed by the posted price from the PLCB’s database, where available.

2010 Zenato Valpolicella Superiore — $10.96 — $13.99
2011 Rancho Zabaco Dancing Bull Zinfandel — $7.34 — $9.99 (“sale price”)
2012 Frenzy Sauvignon Blanc — $8.29 — $10.29
2012 Box O 'Birds Sauvignon Blanc — $10.96 — $18.39*
2011 Feudi del Duca Montepulciano d'Abruzzo — $8.66 — NA
2010 Varner Wine Foxglove Chardonnay — $13.49 — NA
2010 Ravenswood Winery Vintners Blend Cabernet Sauvignon — $9.44 — $11.99
2012 Sileni Estate Cellar Selection Sauvignon Blanc — $9.99 — $13.39
2011 Ravenswood Winery Vintners Blend Old Vine Zinfandel — $8.01 — NA
2010 Penfolds Koonunga Hill Shiraz - Cabernet Sauvignon — $9.99 — $9.99 (“sale price”)
2011 Poggio Anima Samael Montepulciano d'Abruzzo — $11.99 — $15.79
2011 Di Majo Norante Sangiovese Terre degli Osci IGT — $7.96 — NA

In summation: PLCB did not list four of the wines. Of the eight wines that were available in the PLCB system AND at Joe Canal’s in Lawrenceville, NJ, all but one was more expensive at the PLCB, at an average of a little over $2.50 per bottle. ONE wine was the same price at both Canal’s and in the PLCB system. And of course, none of the wines were cheaper in PA.


Adding up what I saved (and throwing the PLCB a bone by using the Canal's price for the four wines they didn't carry), and figuring in the PA sales tax (6%) vs. the NJ sales tax (7%)...I saved a total of $27.35. Add in the $2.34 I saved by filling my tank in NJ on the way back, and subtract the cost of fuel for the 40 mile round trip (just a hair over $5), and I saved a nifty $24.61 on the trip. Cha-Ching! I'd have saved money even if I had to pay the $2 toll across the Burlington Bristol bridge! (I used the free crossing on I-95; it's closer.) As it was, this more than covered breakfast for Nora and I; hell, I could have bought a second bottle of Dancing Bull and STILL been ahead.

What's this prove? Nothing, really, because as I've always said, privatization is NOT about the price. But it does show up the bullshit that the PLCB and "Windy" Wendell Young and their ilk spread about the PLCB have "on average" lower prices than New Jersey: out of 8 identical wines, the PLCB didn't beat Canal's price ONCE. So much for that vaunted "buying power." It also shows that the PLCB's claims about their "huge" selection...are crap, when out of a randomly selected dozen wines (they were, but I realize you don't have to trust me), at a store about ten miles from the PA border, the PLCB only lists (which is not, as we all know, the same as "stocks") eight.
 
Lies, lies, lies. We cannot let them control the terms or the facts of this debate. Just because we know the lies they tell, doesn't mean everyone else does. For instance, PLCB partisans have recently been claiming "$2 billion in revenue" for the stores in website comments and letters to the editor. Well, sure...gross revenue. But after it's gone through their amazing overhead, it comes out to the puny profit we all know about. We need to make them tell the truth. When you see bullshit, call bullshit.

And if you can, screw 'em: buy out of state. There are obviously good reasons to.

Oh, and if the BLCE is reading this? Just kidding. I didn't really buy these wines, I just went and window-shopped. I love the police-enforced monopoly and would never do anything to undermine it. I love you. As far as you know.

*This is actually the price for the 2011 vintage, the 2012 was not available. But the 2011, 2010, and 2009 vintages were all listed, and all at this same price...so I feel fairly honest putting it up there.