Monday, July 29, 2019

Carlisle AlcoAutoFest! Drive Yourself To Drink!

The Pennsylvania Department of Transportation (PENNDOT) in conjunction with the Pennsylvania Liquor Control Board (PLCB) are proud to bring you the first Carlisle AlcoAutofest! Due to the special relationship the PLCB has with PENNDOT, you will be able to drive to the Festival even in cars not sold or ever sold in Pennsylvania!(*1) Cars made before 1933 get in free!

Numerous vendors will be providing samples of drinks you can only "win" (the chance to purchase at variable pricing) by lottery in Pennsylvania. The PLCB will have two on-site stores selling the same things you can buy in every state store at prices only slightly to obscenely above list price. Taste the latest bottlings of Jim Beam White, Jack Daniel's Black, Smirnoff, Captain Morgan, and many other standard brands (that all cost less in Maryland, only 42 miles away) straight from the well-known PLCB overstock trailers sitting in the sun behind the fenced-in area near the porta-potties! It will be an experience you won't find anywhere else in the country!
It's only 5 days. How hot can it get?
PENNDOT will have convenient mandatory breathalyzer stops all along the main drag and at all exit points. They'll be using the same technology as the Wine Kiosks - Amazing, and fun! Safety is  always the PLCB's number one concern (the safety of PLCB jobs, that is). The PLCB's number two concern is money, "profits" (hoho, what a funny joke), so for the first time, the BLCE will be working with the Department of Revenue to collect taxes on bottles "won" by happy participants.(*2)

At checkpoint, show ID, face camera and blow
See your government in action and your tax dollars at work! Take a virtual tour of the PLCB luxury tasting room. Learn how people with minimal qualifications decide what the entire state will be allowed to buy. See how knowing about Livestock, Dairy, and Poultry can get you an executive position with the PLCB! Visit the Career Desk and find out how a career with the PLCB is right for you. None of that product knowledge or RAMP training required, like in the private sector.

If you're in a grumpy mood, the PLCB has just the thing. Take a seat in the Courtesy Training tent (supplied by a real company owned by the real husband of a real PLCB regional manager...which really was nepotism!), and see how PLCB clerks deal with stress like JFK did during the Cuban Missile Crisis (*3)! Ask the PLCB staff why bottles favored by alcoholics are cheaper in Pennsylvania. You'll be amazed at the answer they give.

Souvenirs will be available in the PENNDOT tent. Just take a number and have a seat while you decide what commemorative item your Aunt Martha really wants. Maybe she'd like the "You've got a friend at AlcoAutoFest" plate (shown above in classic Pennsylvania license plate blue and gold), or the "10 Bootleggers per Year" BLCE flag. (I like the "After 85 years only $1,000,000,000 in Debt" picture frame myself.)

See you there!

(*1) You just have to prove that all PA taxes were paid the year of importation into the state.
(*2) Taxes based on what the PLCB would have charged if they had any product, not on list price.
(*3) That was a real lesson in the original Courtesy Training contract.
The Carlisle AlcoAutoFest is not a real event. But it's about dumb enough for the PLCB to try it. 

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