Tuesday, October 22, 2013

The PennDot Plan

The latest Wendell Young IV press release.*

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you all for coming.  Today I would like to propose a new plan and direction for the state stores.  I call this plan the PennDot plan in honor of our union brothers who originated it.

For too long we have been trying to act like a business, be as efficient as a business and react like a business.  While we haven't failed at this it has not been as successful as we would have liked.  Today I propose we go back to doing what we do best - act like a union and not a business. Starting this week I will be working with the Board and legislature to triple the amount of  employees in each store. Where ever a customer goes they will now find at least one employee standing around waiting for them. There will now be employees guiding customers around the dangerous areas for the 6-10 months it will take to redo the floors between each of the shelving units.  Every customer will get a handout when they come in the door so they will know exactly who can help them based on one of the 50 color coded aprons.  The customers will soon learn that a blue with green stripe apron is an expert in TableLeaf Chardonnay while one in green with blue stripes is a Franzia red specialist. This will make their shopping experience that much greater by knowing exactly who they can talk to.World class aprons make for world class stores and world class shopping and we are proud to expand this fine initiative!

Stores will be cleaner and brighter than ever with a Board authorized person for each assignment to get the bucket, fill the bucket, move the bucket and finally mop the floor. This kind of specialization will make each member of the mopping team an expert in the task ready to take on the duties of the next in line provided there is a written request from the district manager at least 2 weeks in advance and that the shop steward approves. With over 9,000 PLCB paid employees the PA economy will flourish and it will be impossible to consider privatization again. These new employees will increase the total contribution into retirement and medical to make them solvent again for the current generation of PLCB employees and will give us time to figure out how to fix the PLCB pension system before they start retiring in 25 years.

All those new employees will have the time to read the labels of everything in stock and pass that expert knowledge onto the customer as long as the customer doesn't want to know how it tastes. Can't have clerks tasting the products, that would be promoting alcoholism and the PLCB won't allow that. New spirits specialists with intricate knowledge of all 14 different orange flavored vodkas will be placed at every store as soon as we can get them to buy all 14 different orange flavored vodkas and try them. Local economies will benefit as Courtesy Training centers are expanded to all counties with more friends and relatives employed truly making the PLCB one big happy family. 

I am also proposing a Wine Kiosk Museum to showcase the technological innovations the PLCB has done over the years. This will have a staff of at least a dozen and be headed by Joe Conti the foremost expert in Wine Kiosks in the state. All profits from the $20 admission fee will go to the state general fund further improving the lives of all Pennsylvanians.

These 6,000 new members will see the need for a strong union, a union they can be proud of and a union that will do everything it it's power to keep things exactly how your parents remembered because a link to the past is part of the chain that holds the FUTURE!

*(Taken from notes found in the parking lot of  the PLCB and inspired by an actual union representative so who knows....it may be coming soon)

1 comment:

Lew Bryson said...

Hey, if it's a jobs program, why not go all out and ADMIT it's a jobs program!