Monday, April 6, 2015

The Citizens Proclaim: April is Alcohol Monopoly Awareness Month

Commonwealth citizens — we, the people forced to shop at State Stores — issued the following statement today.

The Citizens want to remind all Pennsylvanians that April Is Alcohol Monopoly Awareness month.  All people of the state should take notice if anyone they know is suffering from any of the following symptoms.

You may have a monopoly problem if you:
  • Feel guilty or ashamed about about buying in a state store.
  • Lie to others or hide your out of state purchases.
  • Have friends or family members bring back cheaper items in their travels.
  • Need to go to real liquor stores in order to save money and feel better.
  • "Black out" or forget what you did while going to 3 different places in PA.
  • Regularly don't find what you want at the price you want in state stores.
"Monopoly is not usually caused by a few purchases. Like with any other money addiction, it is a Legislative disease that can affect any Representative," said the acting Secretary of Consumer Affairs. "Too often, stigma, laws and fines associated with monopoly will many times prevent individuals from seeking better shopping experiences elsewhere. We want to encourage individuals to seek help for their monopoly problem, to get the state back on track to something normal. This is a disease that requires privatization; and privatization works."

Underage drinking is also a concern. Research shows that kids on our borders are less likely to abuse alcohol even though they don't live in a monopoly state. That coupled with lower rates of DUI, DUI fatalities. and binge drinking in the non-monopoly border states make not living in a monopoly a better choice for most people.

Don't believe "control" is dangerous? Listen to the grand imperial wizard of booze monopoly explain it. "A very important part of the PLCB's mission is to promote more consumption among those 21 and older," said PLCB Chairman Tim Holden. "Can't hit that extra $185 million the Governor wants without vastly increasing sales. With the new super-modernized monopoly power, we can raise prices and put up stronger border prevention to make sure people only buy in PA."*   

Together we can prevent the monopoly from affecting another generation of Pennsylvanians, stop our citizens from being the laughingstock across the land, and finally get the price, selection, and service that has been denied to us for over 80 years. Contact your legislators and ask them to end the monopoly and move Pennsylvania back to it for yourselves, do it for the children.

The Citizens represent most of the 12 million people in the Commonwealth who work in the southeast, northeast and central, western and all parts of  Pennsylvania in supermarkets, drug stores, food processing plants, government services, manufacturing facilities, nursing homes, professional offices, and all businesses, except Pennsylvania's "Fine" Wine and "Good" Spirits Stores.

*No, Tim Holden didn't actually say that; this is satire. 


Anonymous said...

The real joke is that of ALL the private retailers in the world, none have started suing to overturn the 1933-1951 pa laws. Private retailers could offer way better jobs than state stores ever should.

Lew Bryson said...

Private retailers are scared to sue, or balk the PLCB in any way, because if they lose, the PLCB has a long reputation of taking bureaucratic revenge. I've talked to several wholesalers and producers about it, seen it happen.
To me, this is another, serious reason to do away with the agency's monopoly power.

Anonymous said...

I just hit the state store in Bala Cynwyd today and holy shit was there a lot of water leakage in the ceiling. Same with the Springfield store I went to a week ago. Both of these stores are barely ten years old and are premium collection equipped. What do yall make of this? Seems like the PLCB is neglecting basic repairs at these stores because privatization is looming...

Albert Brooks said...

The PLCB leases space and would not normally be responsible for the roof AFAIK. Interior maintenance would be up to them though.

Anonymous said...

Nice job mocking alcohol awareness month and Alcoholics Anonymous signs you may have a problem. Keep up the good work!

Lew Bryson said...

It's not mockery; it's satire, or parody. It's a common editorial technique. Nobody has a "problem" here, but thanks for your misplaced concern.

Anonymous said...

Nothing wrong with satiring the neo drys. Only one group is normal, and that's us! Now if we can only normalize they rest.

Albert Brooks said...

To understand parody you have to have a sense of humor. That pretty much explains your post.

I wonder...who else just happened to be posting at about 6:30 on the Trib page too?