Breaking News: PLCB signs new ethics pledge...again

I swear I won't take any more graft ever again and I really mean it this time.. Sincerely, the PLCB

After beating out everyone in Harrisburg except the Turnpike Commission for disgraced employees, the Pennsylvania Liquor Control Board (PLCB) unanimously voted on Friday to close loopholes in its code of conduct to prohibit employees from accepting any and all gifts from vendors or contractors. The move was to support Gov. Tom Wolf’s recently signed executive order that banned state employes from accepting gifts. PLCB employees were already prohibited from accepting alcoholic beverages offered by vendors or contractors, but there were exceptions that were not covered, such as T-shirts, pens, and other gifts.


"The Pennsylvania Liquor Control Board already had one of the most restrictive codes of conduct in Pennsylvania state government, but these modifications make it even stronger,” PLCB Chairman Joseph "Skip" Brion said.  "No longer will vendors be able to give out 5,000 pens to senior management and get away with it like before. Outfitting our families for the next 3 generations with t-shirts will no longer be accepted, and will force the PLCB to revert back to the time when cash was the only acceptable form of coercion, just like in Grandpa's day!"

PLCB board member Tim "Rex" Holden fully agreed with the Chairnan's statements when caught during one of the board's 22 exhausting work days for this year. When asked what was in the box marked "Bic" this reporter saw him pushing under his desk with his foot, he replied it was "official PLCB business."

Member Mike "Sparky" Negra declined to comment on why the little league team he sponsors suddenly changed their name to the "Captain Morgan Spiced Rum Pirates," saying it was a personal decision not involving board policy or procedures; he noted that his other grandson is playing for the Erie Fireballs and his granddaughter was an American Honey cheerleader.

Pennsylvania citizens can now rest easy knowing that PLCB management, unlike before, now knows that taking graft of any kind is no longer acceptable and has signed a pledge saying so just like they did previously and that big liquor can no longer push the board into deciding what product to sell or brands to feature. [leave this out of the final copy - editor]

PLCB Executive Director John Metzger added, "Look, it's simple.  The longer we can keep unqualified people at the top doing things they perhaps shouldn't be doing — like golf weekends, pointless rebranding campaigns, wine kiosks, or what have you — the more we can promise we're gonna fix things, and the more window dressing we can put out to look like we are. This pledge is just one of those steps." 


Yeah, this is satire, but really, over the long run, nothing significant changes at the PLCB — everything remains the same (and hats off to the Philadelphia Inquirer for recognizing that in today's lead editorial). The only way fix that is to Privatize - the Ultimate Modernization.