The Citizens Proclaim: April is Alcohol Monopoly Awareness Month

Commonwealth citizens — we, the people forced to shop at State Stores — issued the following statement today.

The Citizens want to remind all Pennsylvanians that April Is Alcohol Monopoly Awareness month.  All people of the state should take notice if anyone they know is suffering from any of the following symptoms.

You may have a monopoly problem if you:

• Feel guilty or ashamed about about buying in a state store.
• Lie to others or hide your out of state purchases.
• Have friends or family members bring back cheaper items in their travels.
• Need to go to real liquor stores in order to save money and feel better.
• "Black out" or forget what you did while going to 3 different places in PA.
• Regularly don't find what you want at the price you want in state stores.

"Monopoly is not usually caused by a few purchases. Like with any other money addiction, it is a Legislative disease that can affect any Representative," said the acting Secretary of Consumer Affairs. "Too often, stigma, laws and fines associated with monopoly will many times prevent individuals from seeking better shopping experiences elsewhere. We want to encourage individuals to seek help for their monopoly problem, to get the state back on track to something normal. This is a disease that requires privatization; and privatization works."

Underage drinking is also a concern. Research shows that kids on our borders are less likely to abuse alcohol even though they don't live in a monopoly state. That coupled with lower rates of DUI, DUI fatalities. and binge drinking in the non-monopoly border states make not living in a monopoly a better choice for most people.

Don't believe "control" is dangerous? Listen to the grand imperial wizard of booze monopoly explain it. "A very important part of the PLCB's mission is to promote more consumption among those 21 and older," said PLCB Chairman Tim Holden. "Can't hit that extra $185 million the Governor wants without vastly increasing sales. With the new super-modernized monopoly power, we can raise prices and put up stronger border prevention to make sure people only buy in PA."*   

Together we can prevent the monopoly from affecting another generation of Pennsylvanians, stop our citizens from being the laughingstock across the land, and finally get the price, selection, and service that has been denied to us for over 80 years. Contact your legislators and ask them to end the monopoly and move Pennsylvania back to normal...do it for yourselves, do it for the children.

The Citizens represent most of the 12 million people in the Commonwealth who work in the southeast, northeast and central, western and all parts of  Pennsylvania in supermarkets, drug stores, food processing plants, government services, manufacturing facilities, nursing homes, professional offices, and all businesses, except Pennsylvania's "Fine" Wine and "Good" Spirits Stores.


*No, Tim Holden didn't actually say that; this is satire.